Happy Birthday Madison!

I remember the first moment we met. Your strawberry blond hair, your red wrinkled skin. Your head was so perfect and round. I couldn't get enough of your smell. You were so sweet as you laid in my arms, it was love at first site. I would hold you all day and never get enough! I didn't want you to grow, I knew it was bound to happen but I fought it every step of the way!

Here we are 9 years later. I'm not even sure how that happened! I know it doesn't seem time has gone by quickly but trust mommy it has! You are such a sweet young lady. Being your mother is one of the greatest joys in my life. I am so proud and happy to call you my daughter. What a blessing you are to me and our family. I am amazed at how God is already working in your little heart. You are the best kitchen helper a mommy could ask for. You are smart and creative and on your way to being the world's best baby sitter!

Out of all the daughters in the world God knew you were the perfect one for me! My heart belonged to you the first time I ever saw your sweet little face. It blesses me to know more and more your heart belongs to God. Happy Birthday Sweet Princess!

Love,

Mommy

THE Ultimate Date Night

It may seem a little weird but I remember what I was doing this very week 8 years ago. Jody and I were on a date. The babysitter was watching (our two) children. Madison was almost a year old. She was about as cute and as much as I thought any one mommy could handle. Tyler was 6 years old and very smitten with Madison. He was really enjoying his big brother role (now there are days he doesn't seem to enjoy that same role as much:)! I'm not sure whether we knew it or not, but I was about a month pregnant with Jarred.

This was no ordinary date. This date would be unlike any we had ever experienced in our lives. After this one night we would forever be changed. I know what you are thinking, this must have been a pretty amazing date! It was! It was the most important night of my life! So, you would think a night that important I would remember all the details right? Wrong! Neither of us remembers much. This is where I can share one regret in my life -not keeping a journal! I would love to look back and see what I was thinking. I would love to know all the details about how I felt prior to going. Did I think Jody was crazy? Would I rather be going to a club? I didn't have a clue how that night was going to affect me (I might have chickened out had I known). This is my feeble attempt to tell the most amazing story of my life.

Jody and I were meeting some very special friends Joe, Jean and another friend Vanessa at Alltel stadium. We were going to the Billy Graham Crusade. When Jody and I reminisce about this day, neither of us knows why we went. I do remember Jody calling from work to tell me what was on the agenda for the evening. I still wonder what we were thinking? What was our motivation? Did we go because we thought we would be entertained? We could have gone because my mind set was "a date anywhere would be better than no date at all". Maybe we went because it was Billy Graham and we wanted to be able to say we saw him. Any friends I would of had at the time would not have been impressed. Ultimately I know why we went, but I still wonder why we thought we were going. I don't know what we were expecting, but what happened far exceeded any expectations either of us could have ever had.


This is what I do remember and what I will never forget. Everything seemed fine, I don't think I was very emotional (I know some of you won't believe that, but I used to be pretty tough)! Towards the end of the evening I remember bowing my head in prayer. The instant I did, something in me broke. I was filled with so much emotion, I couldn't make it go away. I was sitting next Jody but I felt as though I was there all by myself. I was crying and it wasn't baby tears, it was years of suppressed tears. The ugly kind that came with lots of snot. I was pleading with God to make it stop, I was embarrassed. I was having conversations with God and he wasn't listening very well! I thought for sure Jody thought I was going nuts. Why can't I turn this nozzle off? I refused to lift my head, it was ugly and I didn't want anyone else to see me. I demanded God tell me what he wanted so this could stop. Then I remember thinking "I am not going down there. I can't answer that alter call. If I go down on that field Jody will think I have lost my mind! God, this could cost me my marriage. I can't raise these kids on my own. I can't do this. I am not going to make that walk (from what seemed like the top of a mountain) down to that field! I might get lost in that crowd, there are so many people. I might not be able to find Jody afterwards. Heck, he might be so embarrassed, he may decide to leave me here. Orange Park was way too far away for me to walk home, I'm not good with directions. God you have the wrong person, this isn't for me."

I cried and cried. It felt as though the tears were never going to stop, it seemed as though there was no end in sight. At some point, Jody very softly took my hand and placed it in his. I needed my hand to wipe the tears and snot away but I needed Jody to hold it even more. Apart from holding my hand I don't know what Jody was doing. Time stood still, those few moments seemed like hours. I was busy, I was battling God and trying to get him to see things my way! I kept arguing and praying. There was a thought that I couldn't get out of my head. It had to do with Jody and a past experience with religion. I felt like religion was going to be off limits. I felt I would have to make a decision between Jody and God and I was telling God my decision and it wasn't going to be God. I thought I would go mad sitting there. My life was just starting to make a little sense and now it was getting turned upside down all over again. "God" I pleaded "I can't do this! It will cost me my marriage. God I love this man. I don't know how or when that happened, but I love him! I don't want to live without him"

At that very moment- that man, that wonderful, beautiful, deep man whom I loved with every inch of my being, elbowed me. I hesitated to look up. I didn't want him to see me looking the way I did. He gently elbowed me again. I slowly raised my head, the tears and snot still rolling. He wanted eye contact. I was scared. I was embarrassed. I had no idea what he was thinking and I didn't want to know. I finally looked into his face. His eyes were filled with water and he gave me a look I had seen only a couple of times before. The first time I saw this look was when I tried to end our relationship (prior to being married). The next time I saw this look in his eyes was the day we got married. Again, I was seeing the same serious, deep penetrating look. It terrified and comforted me at the same time. The way he looked at me made felt like he could see into my soul. After a few moments, he very quietly said "I think we are supposed to go down there". All I could do was stare back at him. I couldn't move my eyes away from him. I just stared into his eyes. Again, very tenderly he said "I think we are supposed to go down there". This time through the sobbing and crying I responded "I do too".

He took my hand and led me down what seemed like the longest walk I have ever taken in my life. I didn't look at Joe, Jean or Vanessa as we began our descent. I was too embarrassed. I couldn't even imagine how I or it must have looked. I was hoping as we passed thousands of people we didn't know, that they wouldn't stop me. I hoped they didn't know my every secret. I hoped they wouldn't be able to tell my past. I was afraid. I was afraid someone would be standing at the bottom and they would know, they would send me right back to my seat. It seemed to take forever and I wasn't sure I would make it. I hid my face in shame. I didn't want anyone to know I needed to be rescued, let alone saved. I didn't raise my head once to see where we were going. Jody had my hand and led me the entire way. He held my hand tightly, I'm sure he knew how scared I was. He might have known given the chance I would run. I was frightened by what we were doing. I didn't know exactly how it would affect us. Would our marriage make it through something like this? If we changed would we still want to be married to each other?

We finally reached the end of the stairs onto the field. I remember thinking O.K. Now what? There were volunteers from different churches on the field. A women came over to pray for us, I think at some point someone wanted to pray separately for Jody but Jody wasn't going to leave my side. He knew I needed him, heck I might even get lost. He held me close to him, pressed my crying face up against his chest (finally somewhere to wipe all those tears and snot)! I hugged him and we prayed. I hugged him and I hugged him. He was never going to leave my side. I felt more loved in that one moment of Jody's obedience to God than I had ever felt in my life.

Our car ride home was a little strange. We didn't talk much about what happened, it was all too surreal. Those words that Jody so quietly spoke to me "I think we are supposed to go down there" are still the most romantic and sweetest words I have ever heard him say. Our lives were changed that night. I still don't know what our motivation was for going, I will probably never know. I do know why God brought us there that night. I know that since we accepted Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior our lives have never been the same.

On one hand it seems all this happened a lifetime ago. On the other it seems just like yesterday. I remember how I felt, it was a very confusing and exciting time. I could never thank God enough for what he has done. He has been so very good to Jody and I. I am so thankful for my sweet husband and the wonderful marriage God has given us.

Eight years ago we had less money, less house, more kids than we knew what to do with, but they are the most precious times of my life. I will cherish those moments forever. My fondest and most romantic memory to this day is of Jody reading the bible to me before bed, shortly after we got saved. I don't believe there has ever been a time in our marriage in which Jody has been sexier to me! It was and is the sweetest time of my life.

My Companion

My Companion


My Dear Sweet Child,

I have walked beside you every day

I know your every burden

Every pain you have ever felt

When you were desperate and crying

I never left your side...


I was there when you hurt yourself

I was there when you hurt others

I was there when you thought you could hide

When you thought no one could understand

I never left your side...


When the pain was too much and you felt like giving up

When no one could make the pain stop

When the pain came from those you trusted

When others who said they loved me, hurt you

I never left your side...


When you mocked me to others

When the faint whisper of my voice disappeared

When you thought you weren't worthy of saying my name

When you thought too much of others and not enough of yourself

I never left your side...


Through all the confusion

Through all the pain

When you wanted to knock at my door but were too ashamed

When you thought you could never belong to me

I never left your side...


I know all of your secrets

I will not refuse you

I forgive it all

Call out to me

I never left your side...


It will take courage- but come to me

Lay down your head and rest

You will be safe in my arms

I will hold you forever

I never left your side...


No longer will you be scared

I have peace to offer you

Love to give you

Be still and hear my voice

I never left your side…


I will restore what you thought too broken to fix

All the dreams you once dreamed, I have held in my hands

Waiting for the day you would reach for me

My sweet child, you are mine

I never left your side...


You may not feel like a treasure but you are more precious than gold

I laid down my life for you

This love can be hard to accept, especially when you think yourself unlovable

You tried to end it all, but I had a better plan for you

I never left your side...


Now you can hear my voice

Welcome home my precious child

I have been waiting for you

I have great plans for your life

This is my promise to you....

I will never leave your side…
I will never leave your side…

Shawna

Home School Crotsley Style

There has been at least one person in our home not feeling well since Celebration. This picture was taken last week on the one day we had a reprieve.

All of our home school days do not look like this, but when attitudes are good and little ones are being focused it sure does make school a lot more fun (for all)!

One of my favorite things to do is surprise my kids with creative ways to serve their snack. They love for me to hang a towel over my arm and pretend to be a butler or maid, if I can throw in an accent all the better! Another favorite during the day is reading outside. My kids love to sit in their fort or swing on their swing while reading. Next spring I think we might work on some kind of secret garden in the back yard for all of us. I'm sure it will quickly get turned into a military base in the afternoons, we have boys and that just happens! Madison and I will have to reserve it during school hours and set boundaries early on:)!

We love being outdoors and the fall weather (fall, NOT winter- for me)! I wish all home school days looked like this, but to be honest that just doesn't work for us. The kids understand there are perks with having good attitudes and being on task, and I really love the opportunity to bless them!

Everyone is finally better in our household and I am praying whatever they were exposed to is now gone (and gone for a long time)!

Shawna

Celebration

Total admission.... I have not been feeling well and as far as I was concerned this was the worst time to get sick (I know... when is a good time to get sick?). I was really looking forward to a retreat we attend with some other Soveriegn Grace Churches here in the south. It was in the woods (and usually) an amazing time of hearing the word, beautiful worship and a time of fellowship.

Well, I strongly suspected this wasn't going to be the same amazing experience considering I couldn't breathe, my nose was trying to run off my face and I couldn't sleep (something to do with not breathing). I was exhausted! When we arrived, I wondered if I would be coherent enough to even hear the word that was being preached?

The first day we arrived I was so exhausted I considered staying in the cabin and trying to sleep while eveyone went to the first session. Then I remembered... I couldn't sleep so that didn't make any sense at all (even for me who wasn't thinking straight at the time)!

We went to the first session and through my head pounding, eyes watering, and nose trying to run away from my face- God gingerly and sweetly spoke to me. He spoke to me through wonderful times of worship. He spoke truth into my life through the gospel. He allowed some sweet times of fellowship and I am so grateful.

This year was a little different, it was a little more low key. We saw some of our friends but probably not as much as in previous years. Jody and I spent a lot of time on our bikes gathering kids and trying to make a few moments of QT (Jody would be flying out on Sunday and gone for a week so some sort of family time was needed)!

Little did I know- once again I was exactly where I needed to be, sickness and all (you would think I would get this by now). I am always right where he wants me to be! I am not sure why I would think a little sickness would be greater than "My God who can move moutains and is mighty to save" (I love that song)! What was I thinking?

What a wonderful time of encouragment, conviction and feeling God's ever present hand in my life! I love God! I pray as I have the freedom to celebrate Him I will continue to do so. I want my life to show I am aware of His work, His gifts and His deeds. God really convicted me on how harsh and demanding I am with my children at times. Usually when I am wanting something done and (if I am being completely honest) I want it more than I care about my relationship with my children or how they are seeing the gospel lived in me. If I am living my life aware of His love for me - I will not be harsh, I cannot be demanding.

I don't have the strength on my own to resist this or any other sin. But with His gracious help I can overcome, I can say no to sin. I have the freedom to do that! I have the freedom to rebel against sin, and not against my wonderful saviour who has shown love to me in ways I cannot begin to measure.

God is faithful even when I am not! I constantly thank God that He is the one in charge and not me. His plans for me have far exceeded any I ever had for myself!

Love,

Shawna

What's in a name?

When Tyler was born a whopping 14 years ago his name was going to be Mason or Tyler. When he entered the world he was definitely a Tyler, not Mason. His middle name was always going to be Frances. There were many different people in our lives that had Frances as a middle name- my very special Maw Maw (that had already passed away), my Dad's middle name (he is actually my stepfather but who I know as my father) Tyler's biological Grandfather, my other Grandmother- Me Maw. So many people, it was a given.

Last year as we pursued changing Tyler's last name I started to second guess my decision. It never carried the same weight for Tyler as it did for me... He wasn't close to the people he was named after... I didn't feel he felt honor the way I thought he would, when I named him... It flowed really well with McGuire but would it sound right with Crotsley?... Would Tyler want part of Jody's name (his stepdad but the only Dad he knows)... These were thoughts that ran through my mind as we walked through Tyler's name change. Winter came last year & we decided to postpone changing Tyler's name, until Tyler pursued us again. I laid it down and forgot about it until today.

Today a UPS truck pulled up with an envelope addressed to Jody. Inside was Jody's birth certificate with his biological Mom's name listed- Joan Frances Mac Clellan. A small tear welled up in my eye. I owe this women a lot! She did not raise Jody, but gave birth to the most important man in my life! Jody has a wonderful stepmom, Linda, she raised him as her own son. She gave up much for her children I am sure!

There is a reoccuring theme of stepparents in our lives. Jody and I pray our children would see this as an exception and not the norm. We pray it would end here, our legacy would be different. Our hope is this would be the beginning of a new standard for generations to come. Our mistakes would not be re-lived but God's transforming work in our lives would be what they would remember. The fact that God changed our lives in November almost 9 years ago, would be what they would share, and what they will hopefully want to model.

For whatever reason receiving Jody's birth certificate brought all of this to mind (Jody says I am just mushy, but that is how God and I roll)!

My life has been a puzzle. God has been gracious to fit some of those pieces together so I could see His goodness in my pain. Several pieces of this puzzle I will never be able to put together this side of heaven. It doesn't matter, I know all of it has been for my good! 14 years ago when I was confused and feeling the loneliest I had ever felt, God was there! He used it all! Even a sweet little middle name like Francis. Tyler Francis McGuire is who God intended him to be, he was given the name he was supposed to have and until God leads us differently that is the name he will have.

God I am amazed at how very good you have been. I am thankful out of all the millions lost YOU found me. I pray I don't ever forget where I was, and the sinful life I was so happy to lead. Thank you for being merciful in my life and softening my very hardened heart. God I pray I would care more about you than I would what others think of me. I pray I would not be shy in sharing the very real work you have done in my life. God, I thank you for all the people you put in our path (Jody's,Tyler's and mine). Thank you for stepparents who were and are willing to raise others as their own. Thank you that you used it all, even if we never understand why. Thank you that it didn't depend on us, and you are the orginal promise keeper!

Love Love Loved This!

As I was investigating High School information (yes that is what it has come to) this year we are in 9Th, 3rd and a little 2ND grade. I ran across this and loved it (I think is was the HSLDA website). I am going to post it throughout my house to serve as a reminder as school begins.....


When you are convinced that the
Lord loves you lavishly, completely,
and unconditionally, you'll want to
love your children in the same way.
You'll be able to love the unlovable.
You won't shy away from training
and correcting, but you'll do so
with tenderness, compassion, and
humility- as a fellow sinner in
need of grace. None of us have the
power to do this on our own, but
the Lord can help us do the impossible!