Monday, July 21, 2008
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
And they're off......
It's time to celebrate big J turning 7! The birthday boy and Daddy loaded up the borrowed kayak, packed up the trailer and headed to Suwanee State Park. Jarred spent most of the day calling to share all the things I was missing! Tonight he said he would be having a lot more fun if I were there....Well, little does he know, we will be there tomorrow (balloons and birthday cake in hand). We can't wait to surprise him! I don't know what he was thinking- did he really think he was going to celebrate his birthday without his mommy???? (still not so sure how I feel about this whole growing up thing)!!!
Monday, July 14, 2008
My little ones and my not so little sin
As I wrote the previous post I mentioned my little ones. Well, my little ones aren't so little! I usually refer to Madison and Jarred that way because they are much younger than Tyler. God (who uses all things) used that little phrase to point out and area of sin in my life. Here is the story, I will do my best to make it short....
The last couple of mornings I have been greeted by my son (that we refer to as the youngest) Jarred. He is our happiest little morning person! He is doing a daily countdown until his 7th birthday. This morning he greeted me with his usual smile and said "Mom only 7 more days". It is only 7 more days until he turns 7! As he is doing his morning countdown, the reality of how old he is has been a little sad for me. All of my babies are growing up! I can't keep referring to Madison and Jarred as my babies forever (well, I can, and I probably will because they will always be my babies- but you know what I mean)!
Now, for you to understand how God has used all of this I will have to take you back a couple of years. When Jarred was a baby, Jody and I prayed and made a decision to prevent our family from growing any larger. I've struggled with that decision because it was made so early in our walk with the Lord. Part of my struggle has been that I was very overwhelmed when I had Jarred. I felt like that may have played too much of a role in our decision. (In steps God again) A couple of months ago I was joking, with friend, about stealing her baby since Jody and I weren't having anymore. Later that day I was convicted about what I said and called her to repent. I knew in my own way I was undermining my husband by the way I was joking (because of my own heart). Now, I have to be completely honest and tell you that friend knows at any given time if her children are left unattended I might steal one and attempt to make it a Crotsley! But since then I have really tried to watch my words and try not to joke in that way so I was not undermining or disrespectful to my husband. I was very thankful to God for convicting me! I repented to HIM, to my husband, to my friend and thought it was something I needed to be aware of but that was that! How wrong I was!
Jarred's countdown started and this little desire started creeping into my heart. Last night when all was still and quiet in our house my thoughts began.... Jarred's little countdown... The fact that I am getting older...... All of this resulted in listening to myself and not talking to myself; that doesn't look good! It looks like a wife who is questioning her husband's leadership (yuck! That is not what I want to put on)! I laid in bed last night with my sweet husband and asked again if he realized how very old Jarred was... Was he aware that we didn't have any more babies??... Was he sure he didn't want to have any more children?... His answer was sweet, gentle and firm. He is content with the size of our family and feels like God DID give us an answer. He pointed out that this might be an area where I am not being content (ouch)!! So I spent most of the day searching my heart and was made very aware of lots of areas where I am not being content!
God's word clearly says I am to be content.. "be content with what you have, for he has said, I will never leave you, nor forsake you"-Heb 13:5. "In whatever situation I am to be content"-Phil 4:11. "Now there is great gain in godliness with contentment" 1 Tim 6:6. If there is great gain in godliness than what am I putting on??? The opposite=lack of gain in godliness by not being content (double ouch!).
To be completely honest I didn't want to post this and I cried like a baby (not new for me) when I knew I had to ask my husband to review this prior to posting. I am not content and God is gracious to bring it to my attention! HE is slowly working on my heart in areas where I am not content. All of this stems from where He has shown me I lack contentment with myself, the physical changes in my body. How I can lack joy and contentment in my parenting, and in my marriage. God wants to do this work in me and sometimes I would rather run than have (what feels like a floodlight) shining on my so very sinful heart! God doesn't let me run, HE is so very patient and continues to little by little do HIS transforming work in me (the one he wants to do not what I want Him to do)! All of this has to be done in order for me to be more like Christ (boy do we have a long way to go)! I don't enjoy seeing my sin most of the time. I am aware of my need to see it, but most of the time I would rather stroll down easy street and not have to "take off" in order to "put on". I am not pursuing God and trusting all that he has for me when I lack contentment! I have to trust God in all things, that includes the size of my family, the size of my body, and exactly where God has me today and trust where he will have me tomorrow! I also have to have peace about the decisions Jody and I prayed about (even in the beginning of our walk) and felt like God did answer! I have to watch my thoughts and not get confused with the (good) desires God has given me, and the emotions that my heart and feelings tell me (they have a tendency to lie to me)!
Right now the biggest area God is revealing to me is the lack of contentment I feel about myself since changing physically after having 3 sweet babies! God is shining a light into this area of my life! If left to myself (this like many others) I could and would justify all day long. I have to do things the way God wants them done and not as I would do! I have to rely on God, my cup cannot be filled elsewhere! God has been so very good to me and I am grateful for all the work he has done and is doing in me!
If you think of it please pray for me, pray that God will reveal the issues that continue to lead to my lack of discipline. Pray that God would show me the root to the heart issue that continues to lead to my lack of being content! Please pray that I will be content where God has me and whatever He has for me!
(It took a couple of days to post this so we are actually only 3 days from Jarred's birthday as of today). He will be 7, God is good, and I am thankful for the oh so very special family God had just in store for me!! Shawna
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Our 4th started like this.....
Ice skaing on the 4th of July in Florida??? I would have never guessed that one! The kids not only had the chance to ice skate, but they also got to see their cousins (what more could a little one ask for)! It was a wonderful start to our Fourth!
Wish it could have ended better for Madison.....(but God is good in everything)!!
Our 4th ended like this......
Madison being fed applesauce in bed. She started feeling bad and was confined to her room. She was still our beautiful 4th of July butterfly, but didn't feel much like flying which resulted in room service by her sweet daddy.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Tears...
By the grace of God I have a tender heart! I have never been thankful for having a tender heart or for tears! I can't give my full testimony to someone, without the flood gates opening! By the grace of God I have (for the past 9 years) had an awareness of what God has done for me! He has made me aware (almost daily)of where I was and where I was headed, the seriousness of that has made me very grateful to Him! My desire is to walk closer to God and continue to let Him do His transforming work in me (no matter how many tears come)!
What God so gently showed me this morning was the tears all began when I became pregnant with Madison. He was softening my heart! I would sob uncontrollably and God used that in many ways. It helped Jody make the decision for me to quit work (I would have never done that without God softening my heart)! I cried so often, it made it hard for me to do my job. God used my boss to help those tears flow, I saw him as a real enemy. That man is now someone I pray for! I pray blessings for him, and much wisdom. My prayer is that he and his wife would affect others the way they have affected me(that is evidence of God's work in me- I am not a forgiving person without God interceding)!
What God revealed was that would mark the beginnng of a huge work He was/and is doing in me. And it all began when I became pregnant with Madison. I always thought it was hormones, I never put it together. She is 8, almost 9 and I am still crying (God is very patient, He knows I am a little slow)! It was a beginning. A fresh start to place I would have never known and never choose on my own. It was the beginning of my life changing forever (more on that soon).
Prior to being pregnant with Madison I couldn't cry. I thought it was a sign of weakness! It was all about being tough or at least appearing to be. I didn't want anyone to think I was I weak! In steps God.... I am weak! I am, right now, weaker than I have ever been in my life (I am stonger in HIM, but I am weaker than I ever thought I could be)! I can't stand alone! I need God every minute of everyday! HE is so very faithful to be there for me, and with me! I love God and HIS graciousness to show me that the tears I cry are from the work He has done/and is doing in me! I am weak (have I said that yet?)! I know that without HIM to lean upon I would have fallen to the depths of Sheol! I know that He is my foundation, my rock to stand upon, all else is sinking ground (words from a song that really brings me to tears)! The tears that seem to abundantly flow are to be celebrated! There are many times I would like to get through worship without bawling like a baby (I love our worship leaders)! I would even love to wear mascara to church on a regular basis! But for the last 6 years that has not been God's plan for me!
I cry over what God is doing in my life, the transforming work I see him doing in my family, and my friends. I cry over others and plead with God to soften their hearts to hear the gospel. I cry over his faithfulness to me and that HE would send his Son to die on the cross for a wretch like me!! I am humbled and amazed at God and his care for me and for others! God is so very good!
Next time, I don't think I will be so bothered when the tears begin to flow. God has used them in great ways to soften my VERY hard heart! He has used them to help me grow. A lot of tears have been shed because God has made me aware of a sinful habit or a heart issue that He would like to put to death! I am so thankful for conviction! He has given me a tender heart that I would not have with out the tears I have shed! God has broken me and it is the best thing that has ever happened in my life! I know I am (very slowly) becoming who God wants to me be. I am trying to see myself the way He sees me (that is hard for me)! I am a child of God and He wants good for me! It is HIS mercy that brings things to my attention. I would not be able to see them let alone appreciate them without HIM!
Recently a friend told me that she might put up a good fight for the cry baby award at home group! This is one title I will be be both glad and very sad to give away. For now we might have to become really good friends and cry and praise God together! :)
Shawna
What God so gently showed me this morning was the tears all began when I became pregnant with Madison. He was softening my heart! I would sob uncontrollably and God used that in many ways. It helped Jody make the decision for me to quit work (I would have never done that without God softening my heart)! I cried so often, it made it hard for me to do my job. God used my boss to help those tears flow, I saw him as a real enemy. That man is now someone I pray for! I pray blessings for him, and much wisdom. My prayer is that he and his wife would affect others the way they have affected me(that is evidence of God's work in me- I am not a forgiving person without God interceding)!
What God revealed was that would mark the beginnng of a huge work He was/and is doing in me. And it all began when I became pregnant with Madison. I always thought it was hormones, I never put it together. She is 8, almost 9 and I am still crying (God is very patient, He knows I am a little slow)! It was a beginning. A fresh start to place I would have never known and never choose on my own. It was the beginning of my life changing forever (more on that soon).
Prior to being pregnant with Madison I couldn't cry. I thought it was a sign of weakness! It was all about being tough or at least appearing to be. I didn't want anyone to think I was I weak! In steps God.... I am weak! I am, right now, weaker than I have ever been in my life (I am stonger in HIM, but I am weaker than I ever thought I could be)! I can't stand alone! I need God every minute of everyday! HE is so very faithful to be there for me, and with me! I love God and HIS graciousness to show me that the tears I cry are from the work He has done/and is doing in me! I am weak (have I said that yet?)! I know that without HIM to lean upon I would have fallen to the depths of Sheol! I know that He is my foundation, my rock to stand upon, all else is sinking ground (words from a song that really brings me to tears)! The tears that seem to abundantly flow are to be celebrated! There are many times I would like to get through worship without bawling like a baby (I love our worship leaders)! I would even love to wear mascara to church on a regular basis! But for the last 6 years that has not been God's plan for me!
I cry over what God is doing in my life, the transforming work I see him doing in my family, and my friends. I cry over others and plead with God to soften their hearts to hear the gospel. I cry over his faithfulness to me and that HE would send his Son to die on the cross for a wretch like me!! I am humbled and amazed at God and his care for me and for others! God is so very good!
Next time, I don't think I will be so bothered when the tears begin to flow. God has used them in great ways to soften my VERY hard heart! He has used them to help me grow. A lot of tears have been shed because God has made me aware of a sinful habit or a heart issue that He would like to put to death! I am so thankful for conviction! He has given me a tender heart that I would not have with out the tears I have shed! God has broken me and it is the best thing that has ever happened in my life! I know I am (very slowly) becoming who God wants to me be. I am trying to see myself the way He sees me (that is hard for me)! I am a child of God and He wants good for me! It is HIS mercy that brings things to my attention. I would not be able to see them let alone appreciate them without HIM!
Recently a friend told me that she might put up a good fight for the cry baby award at home group! This is one title I will be be both glad and very sad to give away. For now we might have to become really good friends and cry and praise God together! :)
Shawna
Monday, June 9, 2008
The Pro's and Con's of Homeschooling
As this year is ending and next year changing so much for me (because I will attend a school two days a week) I thought I would list what I thought the Pro's and Con's of homeschooling are:
Pro's
Food ( This one is probably one of the most important to me.) I have access to food anytime (well almost anytime) I would like. My lunches are much better because they are made right here!
Pace It is really nice to work at my own pace. Usually I went ahead and was almost done with my classes by Christmas.
Work I have been able to have my own business because of the flexible hours I could work. God has given me a great work ethic that I am proud of. It also has given me a nice sum of money!
Homework This has been great! I'm really thankful that home school doesn't include homework. I would do school and BAM it was done! No homework! That will probably change now that I am going to school. I will most likely have loads.
Family This one has not necessarily been my favorite but has been the best for me! When I say family I am wrapping a lot of stuff in that. Being home schooled has helped me work on heart issues and more importantly my relationships with my family. I know for a fact that I would not have been the same if I had gone to middle school. It was in God's great plan for me that He had my parents home school me. There has been a significant change in me! I have alot of time to spend with them and our relationships have grown closer because of it.
Vacation This is intertwined with a lot of other con's. To sum it up home schooling is not rigid. If you've had a long night you can sleep in. If your family decides to go one vacation without any notice you can just go! There is a lot of freedom in home schooling
Con's
The Con's are nowhere near as long as the Pro's but still stink...
Isolation/Friends Homeschooling can be kind of isolating. That can be a good thing in two ways. First it has helped me stay focused and on task. (I still struggle with being distracted and distracting to Madison and Jarred).
2. It keeps me away from the influences of the world and away from the peer pressure of fellow classmates. I might not have been ready to stand up for myself or for what I believe in. I might have been a follower instead of a leader.
The hardest part has been not having friends that live nearby to hang out with.
Tyler
Pro's
Food ( This one is probably one of the most important to me.) I have access to food anytime (well almost anytime) I would like. My lunches are much better because they are made right here!
Pace It is really nice to work at my own pace. Usually I went ahead and was almost done with my classes by Christmas.
Work I have been able to have my own business because of the flexible hours I could work. God has given me a great work ethic that I am proud of. It also has given me a nice sum of money!
Homework This has been great! I'm really thankful that home school doesn't include homework. I would do school and BAM it was done! No homework! That will probably change now that I am going to school. I will most likely have loads.
Family This one has not necessarily been my favorite but has been the best for me! When I say family I am wrapping a lot of stuff in that. Being home schooled has helped me work on heart issues and more importantly my relationships with my family. I know for a fact that I would not have been the same if I had gone to middle school. It was in God's great plan for me that He had my parents home school me. There has been a significant change in me! I have alot of time to spend with them and our relationships have grown closer because of it.
Vacation This is intertwined with a lot of other con's. To sum it up home schooling is not rigid. If you've had a long night you can sleep in. If your family decides to go one vacation without any notice you can just go! There is a lot of freedom in home schooling
Con's
The Con's are nowhere near as long as the Pro's but still stink...
Isolation/Friends Homeschooling can be kind of isolating. That can be a good thing in two ways. First it has helped me stay focused and on task. (I still struggle with being distracted and distracting to Madison and Jarred).
2. It keeps me away from the influences of the world and away from the peer pressure of fellow classmates. I might not have been ready to stand up for myself or for what I believe in. I might have been a follower instead of a leader.
The hardest part has been not having friends that live nearby to hang out with.
Tyler
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