Thursday, February 12, 2009
I asked to be unsettled. I prayed God would search the crevices of my heart and reveal secrets to me. Tonight I feel unsettled, I feel very unsettled. The children are asleep, Jody is in Arkansas and here I am. My grandfather died on Monday-my PaJohn. He no longer had the strength to ward off the cancer that was consuming his body.
I don't doubt God. I don't doubt that His timing is perfect. It was time for my PaJohn to leave this earth. The fact that my sisters, my mom and I, were all camping gave our Mom the opportunity to drive to Pensacola and see her father before he passed away- that wasn't an accident- that was God! God's timing is perfect! I can't imagine how my Mom is feeling. It saddens me to think there will be a day I won't be able to pick up the phone and call my parents. My heart hurts for my Mom, as that day has already arrived. I know only God can console that kind of pain.
My grandfather's death has brought to the surface a flood of emotions for me. There are things I need to deal with, things God has brought to the surface. When I was young I felt abandoned. I wanted to know where I belonged. I wanted to know my place, my place within my family, my place within the world. Unfortunately, I tried on my own to fill many of those voids. I know, without a doubt, had God not intervened things would have ended very badly. I realize there are many new areas in my own heart and in my life that are unsettled. I am a child of God. To deny I still feel somewhat abandoned would be a lie. There are things I haven't wanted to see that God is revealing to me, things I can't ignore.
Tonight I am sad. I'm sad over the hurt and pain of many. I am sad about the view of the church that doesn't represent it correctly. I am sad that others may look at Christianity and not see it for what (I truly believe) it is. It isn't dead! It is very much alive! It isn't mean or a cruel kind of love. My consolation is that the deacon who spoke said my PaJohn came to know Christ. I pray God was working in him. I pray he accepted Jesus as his Savior.
My prayer is one day in heaven, all these relationships will be restored. I pray one day we would be sitting at the feet of Jesus and all the wrongs would be right. All the hurt and pain would go away. I pray my PaJohn would be able to look my Mom in the eyes and tell her how much he loved her and how very proud he was to call her his daughter. I pray he would ask for forgiveness for not being able to do that here on earth. For now, for this night, that has turned into morning, my prayer is God would wrap his arms around my family. I pray for His comfort, the way only He can comfort.