Monday, July 14, 2008

My little ones and my not so little sin

As I wrote the previous post I mentioned my little ones. Well, my little ones aren't so little! I usually refer to Madison and Jarred that way because they are much younger than Tyler. God (who uses all things) used that little phrase to point out and area of sin in my life. Here is the story, I will do my best to make it short....

The last couple of mornings I have been greeted by my son (that we refer to as the youngest) Jarred. He is our happiest little morning person! He is doing a daily countdown until his 7th birthday. This morning he greeted me with his usual smile and said "Mom only 7 more days". It is only 7 more days until he turns 7! As he is doing his morning countdown, the reality of how old he is has been a little sad for me. All of my babies are growing up! I can't keep referring to Madison and Jarred as my babies forever (well, I can, and I probably will because they will always be my babies- but you know what I mean)!

Now, for you to understand how God has used all of this I will have to take you back a couple of years. When Jarred was a baby, Jody and I prayed and made a decision to prevent our family from growing any larger. I've struggled with that decision because it was made so early in our walk with the Lord. Part of my struggle has been that I was very overwhelmed when I had Jarred. I felt like that may have played too much of a role in our decision. (In steps God again) A couple of months ago I was joking, with friend, about stealing her baby since Jody and I weren't having anymore. Later that day I was convicted about what I said and called her to repent. I knew in my own way I was undermining my husband by the way I was joking (because of my own heart). Now, I have to be completely honest and tell you that friend knows at any given time if her children are left unattended I might steal one and attempt to make it a Crotsley! But since then I have really tried to watch my words and try not to joke in that way so I was not undermining or disrespectful to my husband. I was very thankful to God for convicting me! I repented to HIM, to my husband, to my friend and thought it was something I needed to be aware of but that was that! How wrong I was!

Jarred's countdown started and this little desire started creeping into my heart. Last night when all was still and quiet in our house my thoughts began.... Jarred's little countdown... The fact that I am getting older...... All of this resulted in listening to myself and not talking to myself; that doesn't look good! It looks like a wife who is questioning her husband's leadership (yuck! That is not what I want to put on)! I laid in bed last night with my sweet husband and asked again if he realized how very old Jarred was... Was he aware that we didn't have any more babies??... Was he sure he didn't want to have any more children?... His answer was sweet, gentle and firm. He is content with the size of our family and feels like God DID give us an answer. He pointed out that this might be an area where I am not being content (ouch)!! So I spent most of the day searching my heart and was made very aware of lots of areas where I am not being content!

God's word clearly says I am to be content.. "be content with what you have, for he has said, I will never leave you, nor forsake you"-Heb 13:5. "In whatever situation I am to be content"-Phil 4:11. "Now there is great gain in godliness with contentment" 1 Tim 6:6. If there is great gain in godliness than what am I putting on??? The opposite=lack of gain in godliness by not being content (double ouch!).

To be completely honest I didn't want to post this and I cried like a baby (not new for me) when I knew I had to ask my husband to review this prior to posting. I am not content and God is gracious to bring it to my attention! HE is slowly working on my heart in areas where I am not content. All of this stems from where He has shown me I lack contentment with myself, the physical changes in my body. How I can lack joy and contentment in my parenting, and in my marriage. God wants to do this work in me and sometimes I would rather run than have (what feels like a floodlight) shining on my so very sinful heart! God doesn't let me run, HE is so very patient and continues to little by little do HIS transforming work in me (the one he wants to do not what I want Him to do)! All of this has to be done in order for me to be more like Christ (boy do we have a long way to go)! I don't enjoy seeing my sin most of the time. I am aware of my need to see it, but most of the time I would rather stroll down easy street and not have to "take off" in order to "put on". I am not pursuing God and trusting all that he has for me when I lack contentment! I have to trust God in all things, that includes the size of my family, the size of my body, and exactly where God has me today and trust where he will have me tomorrow! I also have to have peace about the decisions Jody and I prayed about (even in the beginning of our walk) and felt like God did answer! I have to watch my thoughts and not get confused with the (good) desires God has given me, and the emotions that my heart and feelings tell me (they have a tendency to lie to me)!

Right now the biggest area God is revealing to me is the lack of contentment I feel about myself since changing physically after having 3 sweet babies! God is shining a light into this area of my life! If left to myself (this like many others) I could and would justify all day long. I have to do things the way God wants them done and not as I would do! I have to rely on God, my cup cannot be filled elsewhere! God has been so very good to me and I am grateful for all the work he has done and is doing in me!

If you think of it please pray for me, pray that God will reveal the issues that continue to lead to my lack of discipline. Pray that God would show me the root to the heart issue that continues to lead to my lack of being content! Please pray that I will be content where God has me and whatever He has for me!

(It took a couple of days to post this so we are actually only 3 days from Jarred's birthday as of today). He will be 7, God is good, and I am thankful for the oh so very special family God had just in store for me!! Shawna


Teresa said...

I really loved reading this! I love and appreciate your transparency in sharing this - it may sound odd, but I have learned a lot from you in a very short time! You are a great example of a godly wife, and I look forward to spending more time with you and picking up more from you! Thank you for sharing this!

Colleen Moore said...

I'm so proud of you!