By the grace of God I have a tender heart! I have never been thankful for having a tender heart or for tears! I can't give my full testimony to someone, without the flood gates opening! By the grace of God I have (for the past 9 years) had an awareness of what God has done for me! He has made me aware (almost daily)of where I was and where I was headed, the seriousness of that has made me very grateful to Him! My desire is to walk closer to God and continue to let Him do His transforming work in me (no matter how many tears come)!
What God so gently showed me this morning was the tears all began when I became pregnant with Madison. He was softening my heart! I would sob uncontrollably and God used that in many ways. It helped Jody make the decision for me to quit work (I would have never done that without God softening my heart)! I cried so often, it made it hard for me to do my job. God used my boss to help those tears flow, I saw him as a real enemy. That man is now someone I pray for! I pray blessings for him, and much wisdom. My prayer is that he and his wife would affect others the way they have affected me(that is evidence of God's work in me- I am not a forgiving person without God interceding)!
What God revealed was that would mark the beginnng of a huge work He was/and is doing in me. And it all began when I became pregnant with Madison. I always thought it was hormones, I never put it together. She is 8, almost 9 and I am still crying (God is very patient, He knows I am a little slow)! It was a beginning. A fresh start to place I would have never known and never choose on my own. It was the beginning of my life changing forever (more on that soon).
Prior to being pregnant with Madison I couldn't cry. I thought it was a sign of weakness! It was all about being tough or at least appearing to be. I didn't want anyone to think I was I weak! In steps God.... I am weak! I am, right now, weaker than I have ever been in my life (I am stonger in HIM, but I am weaker than I ever thought I could be)! I can't stand alone! I need God every minute of everyday! HE is so very faithful to be there for me, and with me! I love God and HIS graciousness to show me that the tears I cry are from the work He has done/and is doing in me! I am weak (have I said that yet?)! I know that without HIM to lean upon I would have fallen to the depths of Sheol! I know that He is my foundation, my rock to stand upon, all else is sinking ground (words from a song that really brings me to tears)! The tears that seem to abundantly flow are to be celebrated! There are many times I would like to get through worship without bawling like a baby (I love our worship leaders)! I would even love to wear mascara to church on a regular basis! But for the last 6 years that has not been God's plan for me!
I cry over what God is doing in my life, the transforming work I see him doing in my family, and my friends. I cry over others and plead with God to soften their hearts to hear the gospel. I cry over his faithfulness to me and that HE would send his Son to die on the cross for a wretch like me!! I am humbled and amazed at God and his care for me and for others! God is so very good!
Next time, I don't think I will be so bothered when the tears begin to flow. God has used them in great ways to soften my VERY hard heart! He has used them to help me grow. A lot of tears have been shed because God has made me aware of a sinful habit or a heart issue that He would like to put to death! I am so thankful for conviction! He has given me a tender heart that I would not have with out the tears I have shed! God has broken me and it is the best thing that has ever happened in my life! I know I am (very slowly) becoming who God wants to me be. I am trying to see myself the way He sees me (that is hard for me)! I am a child of God and He wants good for me! It is HIS mercy that brings things to my attention. I would not be able to see them let alone appreciate them without HIM!
Recently a friend told me that she might put up a good fight for the cry baby award at home group! This is one title I will be be both glad and very sad to give away. For now we might have to become really good friends and cry and praise God together! :)